For those of you who poop at work...and dont have a facebook

I did not write these, wish I did but I think about these all the time. Love the people that write the things the general public thinks about. I posted these on my facebook notes. SO all you blogger fans, this post is for you.

HOW TO POOP AT WORKWe've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back inour cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much aswe try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. Forthose who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for takinga dump at work.

CROP DUSTINGWhen farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is notin your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it camefrom. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart hasbeen expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left yourpants.

FLY BYThe act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check forother poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come backagain. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER. People may becomesuspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE. A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing apoop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave ofembarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretendit did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortablefor all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feeluneasy.

JAILBREAKWhen forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This isusually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, donot panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom tospare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSHThe act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. Thisreduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. Thiscan help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAMEWalking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have juststunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment ifsomeone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretendthat the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of theCOURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often seean Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper ormagazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of TheCloset Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goesoff without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereaboutsof Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS. A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can leastexpect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR. Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries toforce the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerablemoments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you willavoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH. A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you arein a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alertpotential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with anASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE. A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that youare occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall isoccupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so thepooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON. A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This isalso an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, createa diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET. A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toiletwater. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with anAstaire.

UNCLE TED. A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extendedlengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Tedmakes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should alwayswait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as theother bathroom attendees.

jabbawockeez

i love americas best dance crew. so much that i watch the reruns anytime it comes on. i practically know all the dances by heart now. i love kaba modern. who knew asians could be so....black? they were my favorite crew but a piece of my heart goes to jabbawockeez. definitely the best remake of the michael jackson crotch grab...especially when shane requested it in slow motion. awesome.

too shallow to think of a deep title for this post

i have approximately an hour and 15 minutes before go home time. did i ever tell you how i used to correct everyone's spelling errors? even in chatting conversations, like AIM (ooooold school), MSN messenger (ghetto) and gmail chat (ohhh yeah). they would spell weird, like wierd and i would type and correct them and give them the correct spelling. i dont really do that anymore, but i used to, ALL the time. and if there was a spelling mistake on the chalkboard, i would stare at it all of class and wish that it was spelled right. i also ate lunch with three redheads in seventh grade in the library. we were friends with the librarian so we had special permission to eat in the science fiction corner. which probably explains why i bought the whole Ender's series by Orson Scott Card. I've yet to read the other four. so i read sci fi books. so what?

tribute.

this is my tribute blog to ashlie. Awesome.Super.Hot.Lovely.Interesting.Entertainful. Told you I posted shallow things. I could have come up with better words to describe ashlie, like Aspiring and Soulful but those things are far too deep for a blog like mine. so there you go ashlie. a shallow tribute from a shallow author of a shallow blog. good luck on the mish. will miss you greatly. will probably write but never send, sorry its just what happens. but i can update your blog for you daily if you would like. it might be shallow summaries of what you are really doing, like the celebrities you see, etc. thats about it. peace.